[ and that's all she sends before making her way over. which, doesn't take her long at all, considering what she is. she drops down quietly a few feet away from the meadow, slowing her approach when she sees jude. ]
[ too many voices, too many things going on. A2 has grown so accustomed to the silence and being alone that sometimes even the network gets too overwhelming. she lowers herself to a squat next to him, resting her arms on her knees.
the bit about 2B and 9S was unexpected and she's silent for a moment, watching the flowers sway in the breeze. ]
You aren't obligated to tell me. You know them better than I do, at this point.
[ A2 doesn't ask why. she hasn't known jude for very long, but she has come to accept that this is the kind of person he is: endlessly kind and trusting, even to people he has barely met.
though there is a part of her, a part that had long since been buried beneath the guilt and loneliness, that craves that easy trust and acceptance. it's unfamiliar but not entirely unwelcome; something she still needs time to process.
at his hesitance, she sits down next to him, loosely wrapping her arms around her legs. it seems like he has a lot on his mind, but A2 doesn't push him. ]
[ in lieu of a verbal thank you, he shoots her a grateful look. ]
9S and I are... together.
[ jude swallows. ]
I know that must be jarring— a human and an android in a romantic relationship, but... getting to this point took a lot of time and effort. There were misunderstandings to overcome, and there still are. We're both new at this, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I really care about him. And when I told 2B, she was happy.
[ a small smile is on his lips. despite everything, despite the miserable circumstances, seeing 2b happy for that small instance was nice. all he wants to do is make 2b happy, and he knows 9s wants that, too. ]
But 9S said something to be that was... well. Troubling is an understatement. Something about dying, over and over, and— and at the time it set me off. It was the reason I confessed at all. I might never have said anything if I didn't know. I got emotional, and acted on impulse.
[ jude takes a deep breath before pressing on. he knows this is long, knows he might be rambling, but he wants to tell the whole story. start to finish. ]
9S being 9S, the topic wasn't brought up again afterward, and I didn't want to cross a line when we were already dealing with a whole whirlwind of other things to sort out. But now that things between us have settled... I thought I'd swallow my fear and ask 2B about it. About what 9S meant back then. I thought if anyone would know, she would.
And she... she told me—
[ jude stops, hanging his head to hide his face, hand balled into such a tight fist his knuckles are white. it takes him a long, tense moment to continue. ]
—everything. Everything that happened between the two of them, back home. Everything she put him through... and everything YoRHa put her through.
[ it's a long moment before A2 says anything, sitting so still despite the breeze rustling the flowers, her hair. of all the things she was expecting him to tell her, it wasn't any of this.
it is a little jarring to hear about jude and 9S; though hearing about androids forming romantic relationships among each other were rare for A2, it wasn't unheard of. the possibility of an android and human having a romantic relationship was impossible, but she supposes anything could happen in this world where humans still existed. beneath the initial surprise, A2 doesn't feel anything aside from a sort of relief. relief that there was someone in this world that cared so much about 9S, that someone could give him the happiness that he could not achieve back on their earth.
and maybe she should start with that. ]
I'm glad 9S has you. He deserves someone who cares about him as much as he cares about others. [ despite everything they'd been through, all the fighting and the anguish, A2 had tried to carry out 2B's last wish. and in many ways, that same wish became her own eventually. ] And I know you'll try to make him happy.
[ because that's the type of person jude is, always bending backwards to please others as much as he can. but there's also the same firmness in her tone, likely not as heavy as 2B's, but it's there all the same. 9S, and even 2B, has been through enough, and while A2 wouldn't go so far as to count herself as their friends or family, they're all they have left in this world. ]
"normally, you'd be called... but... calling you 2B for the time..." "it always... ends like this..."
she knows exactly what jude is talking about. she may have never went through the same things they did -- the E-models were new, created after A2's squadron was wiped out, and she wonders if they had created the new class of units because of her. but 2B's memories told her enough, fighting 9S over and over again told her enough.
jude's reaction doesn't come as a surprise to her, and it makes sense how he acted the way he did and what he felt. they can't expect humans to understand; their world is too different, they are too different, and even A2 sometimes doesn't understand the lengths that were taken to perpetuate the lie that their existence was a part of. A2 had carried her loneliness and guilt for so long, but in many ways, 2B had been through just as much. A2 thinks of erasing pascal's memories, thinks of the way her and 9S destroyed each other; once was enough, and she can't imagine the pain of having to kill them over and over again.
but 2B had carried it. silently, endlessly. never passing the blame to anyone but herself. in many ways, 2B is stronger than she ever was. ]
... I was a prototype created for YoRHa. They sent me and the others down to destroy the enemy server, but the real reason behind the mission was to use our combat data to create newer models... like 9S and 2B.
We were meant to be disposable, none of us were supposed to survive. But I did... and they branded me a traitor for desertion.
[ she doesn't tell him about the many times she had run into 2B and 9S during those three years. she doesn't tell him about the many times she had fought them and subsequently destroyed them; sometimes together, sometimes separately. each time it became easier and easier. ]
When 9S and 2B met me for the first time, Command ordered them to kill me. They were just doing what they were told, but I felt that same anger... that same betrayal.
[ guilt, anger, loneliness, desperation, and regret. each of them carried those feelings inside them at different points in their life, each of them have lost too much. an endless cycle that none of them could break away from. ]
You didn't know what happened, and I know 2B wasn't upset at you for feeling that way. But it's difficult... the guilt is something that's always hard to let go.
[ and maybe a part of 2B, like herself, doesn't want to let go. ]
Edited (eNGLISH WHY. i'm so sorry for all the edits) 2017-11-05 05:33 (UTC)
I promise, I'll do everything in my power to protect 9S' smile. That's all I want.
[ he's glad a2 seems to approve, but that aside.
so many horrible things... jude listens intently, never once smiling, his expression forlorn and distant. for all his insistence that androids are people, too, yorha didn't seem to treat them with even an ounce of humanity. the world they come from sounds hellish.
yorha has been the problem all along. and he wishes he hadn't blamed 2b. he just didn't know, and he was naive. he didn't realize there were so many layers to this. ]
I'm sorry, A2. I know my sympathy won't change anything, but I'm still... I'm just glad all of that is over now. You never deserved any of that. None of you did.
I hope that you can start over, here. I hope that you can find peace. And I'll do anything I can to help.
[ a beat of contemplative silence. ]
Do you think... 2B was relieved that I was angry with her?
Maybe. 9S never blamed her for what she did. She thinks she doesn't deserve it.
[ "he doesn't. but he should." "i don't understand why. i can't."
having 2B's memories had allowed her to understand: the guilt she carried, the desperation in 9S after she had killed her, how devastated he was in the end when he finally succumbed to the virus. an endless chain that had broken off from an equally endless cycle, one that they all still feel the repercussions from even now. and as much as A2 understands the desire to hold onto that guilt, she also understands the need to let go.
maybe she should learn to take her own advice. ]
It's neither of their faults, but they're both so determined to blame themselves for it.
I wish I could make them understand. I wish I could be more than a useless bystander, watching them tear themselves apart for things that were beyond their control.
[ the firmness returns to her tone as she meets his gaze steadily. ]
You being here is more than they'd ever had. [ none of them would ever expect anyone to have a solution. this is something they'd endured, suffered through over and over and over again. knowing, understanding, and accepting are all very different things. ] Just give them time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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How about the meadow? The one with the transparent flowers.
[ jude quite likes it there, for reasons he'll get into soon enough. ]
no subject
[ and that's all she sends before making her way over. which, doesn't take her long at all, considering what she is. she drops down quietly a few feet away from the meadow, slowing her approach when she sees jude. ]
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Thanks for coming all the way out here. Talking over telepathy can just get... tiring.
[ he rocks back and forth on his heels before he kneels down in the grass, toying at the petals of the flower and gesturing for her to join him. ]
It's about 2B and 9S. There are some things you should know, I think, about my relationships with the two of them.
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[ too many voices, too many things going on. A2 has grown so accustomed to the silence and being alone that sometimes even the network gets too overwhelming. she lowers herself to a squat next to him, resting her arms on her knees.
the bit about 2B and 9S was unexpected and she's silent for a moment, watching the flowers sway in the breeze. ]
You aren't obligated to tell me. You know them better than I do, at this point.
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[ he doesn't need to explain why, does he? he doesn't know if he can. there's something about a2 that draws him in, this magnetic pull. ]
... But it's hard to know where to start.
[ a sheepish laugh as he rubs the nape of his neck. should he start on a high note or a low note? ]
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though there is a part of her, a part that had long since been buried beneath the guilt and loneliness, that craves that easy trust and acceptance. it's unfamiliar but not entirely unwelcome; something she still needs time to process.
at his hesitance, she sits down next to him, loosely wrapping her arms around her legs. it seems like he has a lot on his mind, but A2 doesn't push him. ]
Anywhere. I've got time.
1/2
9S and I are... together.
[ jude swallows. ]
I know that must be jarring— a human and an android in a romantic relationship, but... getting to this point took a lot of time and effort. There were misunderstandings to overcome, and there still are. We're both new at this, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I really care about him. And when I told 2B, she was happy.
[ a small smile is on his lips. despite everything, despite the miserable circumstances, seeing 2b happy for that small instance was nice. all he wants to do is make 2b happy, and he knows 9s wants that, too. ]
But 9S said something to be that was... well. Troubling is an understatement. Something about dying, over and over, and— and at the time it set me off. It was the reason I confessed at all. I might never have said anything if I didn't know. I got emotional, and acted on impulse.
[ jude takes a deep breath before pressing on. he knows this is long, knows he might be rambling, but he wants to tell the whole story. start to finish. ]
9S being 9S, the topic wasn't brought up again afterward, and I didn't want to cross a line when we were already dealing with a whole whirlwind of other things to sort out. But now that things between us have settled... I thought I'd swallow my fear and ask 2B about it. About what 9S meant back then. I thought if anyone would know, she would.
And she... she told me—
[ jude stops, hanging his head to hide his face, hand balled into such a tight fist his knuckles are white. it takes him a long, tense moment to continue. ]
—everything. Everything that happened between the two of them, back home. Everything she put him through... and everything YoRHa put her through.
2/2
But after I talked to 9S about it... after he explained...
... I think the one I should be mad at is YoRHa. For putting them both through that hell.
And I don't know what your relation to YoRHa is, but I suppose... I wanted to know if you could understand my feelings. If they're justified.
[ a pause, and then, a dry, humorless laugh. ]
2B doesn't want to see me again, but she won't get rid of me that easily. I can be a real pest.
1/2 also....
it is a little jarring to hear about jude and 9S; though hearing about androids forming romantic relationships among each other were rare for A2, it wasn't unheard of. the possibility of an android and human having a romantic relationship was impossible, but she supposes anything could happen in this world where humans still existed. beneath the initial surprise, A2 doesn't feel anything aside from a sort of relief. relief that there was someone in this world that cared so much about 9S, that someone could give him the happiness that he could not achieve back on their earth.
and maybe she should start with that. ]
I'm glad 9S has you. He deserves someone who cares about him as much as he cares about others. [ despite everything they'd been through, all the fighting and the anguish, A2 had tried to carry out 2B's last wish. and in many ways, that same wish became her own eventually. ] And I know you'll try to make him happy.
[ because that's the type of person jude is, always bending backwards to please others as much as he can. but there's also the same firmness in her tone, likely not as heavy as 2B's, but it's there all the same. 9S, and even 2B, has been through enough, and while A2 wouldn't go so far as to count herself as their friends or family, they're all they have left in this world. ]
Thanks for telling me.
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"normally, you'd be called... but... calling you 2B for the time..."
"it always... ends like this..."
she knows exactly what jude is talking about. she may have never went through the same things they did -- the E-models were new, created after A2's squadron was wiped out, and she wonders if they had created the new class of units because of her. but 2B's memories told her enough, fighting 9S over and over again told her enough.
jude's reaction doesn't come as a surprise to her, and it makes sense how he acted the way he did and what he felt. they can't expect humans to understand; their world is too different, they are too different, and even A2 sometimes doesn't understand the lengths that were taken to perpetuate the lie that their existence was a part of. A2 had carried her loneliness and guilt for so long, but in many ways, 2B had been through just as much. A2 thinks of erasing pascal's memories, thinks of the way her and 9S destroyed each other; once was enough, and she can't imagine the pain of having to kill them over and over again.
but 2B had carried it. silently, endlessly. never passing the blame to anyone but herself. in many ways, 2B is stronger than she ever was. ]
... I was a prototype created for YoRHa. They sent me and the others down to destroy the enemy server, but the real reason behind the mission was to use our combat data to create newer models... like 9S and 2B.
We were meant to be disposable, none of us were supposed to survive. But I did... and they branded me a traitor for desertion.
[ she doesn't tell him about the many times she had run into 2B and 9S during those three years. she doesn't tell him about the many times she had fought them and subsequently destroyed them; sometimes together, sometimes separately. each time it became easier and easier. ]
When 9S and 2B met me for the first time, Command ordered them to kill me. They were just doing what they were told, but I felt that same anger... that same betrayal.
[ guilt, anger, loneliness, desperation, and regret. each of them carried those feelings inside them at different points in their life, each of them have lost too much. an endless cycle that none of them could break away from. ]
You didn't know what happened, and I know 2B wasn't upset at you for feeling that way. But it's difficult... the guilt is something that's always hard to let go.
[ and maybe a part of 2B, like herself, doesn't want to let go. ]
no subject
[ he's glad a2 seems to approve, but that aside.
so many horrible things... jude listens intently, never once smiling, his expression forlorn and distant. for all his insistence that androids are people, too, yorha didn't seem to treat them with even an ounce of humanity. the world they come from sounds hellish.
yorha has been the problem all along. and he wishes he hadn't blamed 2b. he just didn't know, and he was naive. he didn't realize there were so many layers to this. ]
I'm sorry, A2. I know my sympathy won't change anything, but I'm still... I'm just glad all of that is over now. You never deserved any of that. None of you did.
I hope that you can start over, here. I hope that you can find peace. And I'll do anything I can to help.
[ a beat of contemplative silence. ]
Do you think... 2B was relieved that I was angry with her?
[ that's what it seemed like to him. ]
no subject
[ "he doesn't. but he should."
"i don't understand why. i can't."
having 2B's memories had allowed her to understand: the guilt she carried, the desperation in 9S after she had killed her, how devastated he was in the end when he finally succumbed to the virus. an endless chain that had broken off from an equally endless cycle, one that they all still feel the repercussions from even now. and as much as A2 understands the desire to hold onto that guilt, she also understands the need to let go.
maybe she should learn to take her own advice. ]
It's neither of their faults, but they're both so determined to blame themselves for it.
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[ jude hangs his head. ]
I wish I could make them understand. I wish I could be more than a useless bystander, watching them tear themselves apart for things that were beyond their control.
[ what kind of a friend is he? ]
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[ the firmness returns to her tone as she meets his gaze steadily. ]
You being here is more than they'd ever had. [ none of them would ever expect anyone to have a solution. this is something they'd endured, suffered through over and over and over again. knowing, understanding, and accepting are all very different things. ] Just give them time.
no subject
... Okay. I'll do that.
Thanks, A2. I'm really grateful we could talk like this.