[No matter how much he cares about her, she simply can't fathom the idea of him forgiving her. He shouldn't, not when she's taken so much from him. Over and over and over again, she's taken his life, his memories, the person he was, only for him to go through it and lose all that yet again. She might have died in the process of protecting him from the infected YoRHa units back when everything went to hell, but that wasn't enough to make up for what she'd done to him. Nothing was.
It would never be enough.
She hangs her head, sighing softly. She is so tired, but what can she do? What choice does she have but to live with this? It's what she's always done. As much as she feels like she could be crushed by the sheer weight of her guilt, her sins, she doesn't know how to let it go either. No, she doesn't even want to.
She doesn't deserve forgiveness, after all.]
I don't understand why. I can't.
Edited (edits just for an icon change smh @ myself) 2017-11-05 06:45 (UTC)
[ it's a while before A2 says anything, letting the silence settle between them. having 2B's memories had allowed her to understand: the guilt she carried, the desperation in 9S after she had killed her, how devastated he was in the end when he finally succumbed to the virus. an endless chain that had broken off from an equally endless cycle, one that they all still feel the repercussions from even now. and as much as A2 understands the desire to hold onto that guilt, she also understands the need to let go.
maybe she should learn to take her own advice. ]
Maybe it's not something you need to understand, [ she says, eventually. as far as A2 knows, no one is at fault; perhaps the only thing that could have helped would be if they'd talked about this openly before, but this isn't something they could have so casually discussed. it's difficult for both of them. ] Maybe it's not about what he should do, but what he wants to do.
[ A2 knows that 9S would have been content to keep it from 2B forever if he could -- the knowledge of what he had been through, everything that happened after she had destroyed 2B. perhaps the more he cares about someone, the more he feels he needs to keep them in the dark about certain things. ]
When you died, [ when i killed you ] it wasn't easy for him to deal with. It took him a long time to accept it.
[She trails off, unsure of what she even means to say next. While she doesn't doubt what A2 says, or even what 9S said, it's hard for her to imagine, just how devastating her loss might have been when it wasn't a problem to her in the first place. When it she doesn't think it would've been that bad of a problem for 9S. Even though he's already explained to her that it was bad, that's all he's ever said of it. That the world was a dark place without her.
But she's never really asked him why that was. What he did after she was gone. It hadn't seemed important to know at the time, but maybe it is.]
[ she hesitates in replying, taking her time to think of the proper way to answer her. A2 has never had a problem with being honest about anything, but in many ways, this doesn't feel like something she should say outright. 9S didn't tell 2B about what happened afterwards to protect her, and who is she to ruin that? ]
He was devastated. [ an understatement, but that's the best thing she could come up with. ] Like he lost his whole world and didn't know what to live for.
... Even though I was the reason he couldn't live in the first place.
[It seems like such a contradiction, and she has a hard time wrapping her mind around it. Even after he said as much himself, there's something grounding yet frightening to hear it from another person, to know that 9S was distressed enough to truly show it rather than keep it to himself as he tends to do.]
There's so much more he could live for though. Here, especially. [In a place where not only could they fulfill their purpose, but where others already cared for him so deeply? Surely there was something better to live for than his killer.]
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[No matter how much he cares about her, she simply can't fathom the idea of him forgiving her. He shouldn't, not when she's taken so much from him. Over and over and over again, she's taken his life, his memories, the person he was, only for him to go through it and lose all that yet again. She might have died in the process of protecting him from the infected YoRHa units back when everything went to hell, but that wasn't enough to make up for what she'd done to him. Nothing was.
It would never be enough.
She hangs her head, sighing softly. She is so tired, but what can she do? What choice does she have but to live with this? It's what she's always done. As much as she feels like she could be crushed by the sheer weight of her guilt, her sins, she doesn't know how to let it go either. No, she doesn't even want to.
She doesn't deserve forgiveness, after all.]
I don't understand why. I can't.
no subject
maybe she should learn to take her own advice. ]
Maybe it's not something you need to understand, [ she says, eventually. as far as A2 knows, no one is at fault; perhaps the only thing that could have helped would be if they'd talked about this openly before, but this isn't something they could have so casually discussed. it's difficult for both of them. ] Maybe it's not about what he should do, but what he wants to do.
[ A2 knows that 9S would have been content to keep it from 2B forever if he could -- the knowledge of what he had been through, everything that happened after she had destroyed 2B. perhaps the more he cares about someone, the more he feels he needs to keep them in the dark about certain things. ]
When you died, [ when i killed you ] it wasn't easy for him to deal with. It took him a long time to accept it.
no subject
[She trails off, unsure of what she even means to say next. While she doesn't doubt what A2 says, or even what 9S said, it's hard for her to imagine, just how devastating her loss might have been when it wasn't a problem to her in the first place. When it she doesn't think it would've been that bad of a problem for 9S. Even though he's already explained to her that it was bad, that's all he's ever said of it. That the world was a dark place without her.
But she's never really asked him why that was. What he did after she was gone. It hadn't seemed important to know at the time, but maybe it is.]
What was he like, after it?
sorry for the delay!
He was devastated. [ an understatement, but that's the best thing she could come up with. ] Like he lost his whole world and didn't know what to live for.
GRIPS YOUR SHOULDERS it's okay!!
[It seems like such a contradiction, and she has a hard time wrapping her mind around it. Even after he said as much himself, there's something grounding yet frightening to hear it from another person, to know that 9S was distressed enough to truly show it rather than keep it to himself as he tends to do.]
There's so much more he could live for though. Here, especially. [In a place where not only could they fulfill their purpose, but where others already cared for him so deeply? Surely there was something better to live for than his killer.]